Behind Closed Doors

 rabbit.poetry.03.13.23

This may seem a bit hypocritical,

But I have to say it- We don't necessarily need alcohol to make the feelings mutual...

I'll say it again.

I said, we don't need drugs to make it all reciprocal.

The substance abuse, shattering our atoms, cells, and our spiritual self.

Deteriorating, destroying the purity of our souls,

Bringing ruin to our physical, mental health.

The brine, the salt, and the wounds that sweep us under,

Now we're sinking down to the depths of the ocean floor.

Masked emotions, locked up behind a closed door.

I've loved too many. I've loved too hard.

But I don't believe in true love,

At least not anymore.

 

I remember the touch of her hands,

The warmth of her presence.

Even though it tore me down,

This love continued to stay.

I'd have to say, some of you wouldn't understand.

What I had to endure,

To keep all of this untainted and pure,

So that this love wouldn't grow stale,

In a weakened state, feeling like a ghost; cold and pale.

 

My emotions, written down in ink...

Bullet holes piercing through the side of this ship,

Shot down by the lies; emptied out clips-

Broken promises that drowned me;

their words filled with white lies,

That shit made me sink-

To the bottom of the ocean,

I fell right through this empty floor.

Now I keep my emotions locked up,

Hiding behind closed doors.

No more white lines,

Just paper and pen,

Doing my best to describe all of the things that I'm feeling.

Talking about the things that are killing me on the inside,

Before I completely lose my mind...

 

I wanted to show them healthy,

I just wanted to bring them joy,

And it's kind of fucked up how they used me,

How I lost sight of my morals,

Must've been amusing,

A love so intoxicating and abusive.

Heartbreak and sad boy hours,

Now it's just simple, sad, heart-throbbing music.

Unable to breathe, so baby, please.

No more empty, broken promises.

It's getting heavy, gotta take a step back and just breathe.

I'm suffocating give me space, I've gotta untangle my esophagus.

Haven't cried in a while, my vocal cords have been locked away,

behind this door.

Closed off, please don't take your clothes off.

Just having you here, was always more than enough.

 

To hold you, to kiss you, wrapped around in your embrace,

enveloped by your soul, even when life got too difficult.

Yeah, I know that deep down, our feelings weren't reciprocal.

You came into this life, felt like magic,

To me, in my mind and memories,

You'll always be beautiful.

I hope that for you, I was also some kind of miracle.

 

I'll wait for you in a lifetime, within another timeline.

Where we're both swimming back up to the surface,

from the ocean floor.

There, where we'll both be ready,

No longer hiding behind this invisible,

closed-off door.

-fin.